I want to be a public official

As Nigeria marches through another season of selecting its public officers, I am here reproducing a piece I first wrote in 2004 about public office.

I want to be a public official
By Obo Effanga Jr

“Doc. Doc!”
“Eeeh! Tony my man!”
“Old boy, is it true that you are aspiring to get into public office?”
“What a stupid question. Who no like better thing?”
“In other words you have a strong urge to serve the society?”
“Well, you may say so.”
“No. You should be definite in your answer, it is either you want to serve or not.”
“Well, everybody in public office is there to serve after all, so when I get into public office, I also will be there to serve.”
“To serve the public you mean, not yourself, your family and your community only?”
“Are you suggesting that when I take up public office I should forget about my family and my community? You can’t be serious. Tell me which public officer ever did that in this country?”
“Oh, really? I thought you wanted to make a difference when you take up public office.”
“I have not said I wouldn’t. There is nothing wrong with the change starting with me? I mean, you don’t imagine that I would get into public office without a positive change to my station in life? Even my family and friends like you would feel disappointed if I don’t come out of public office with something to show for it. Mind you, I won’t be going into public office to display poverty.”
“What amounts to ‘something to show for it’, if I may ask?”
“Pally, you don’t fail to amaze me. Shouldn’t I, as a public official, own choice houses in choice areas? Shouldn’t my children be able to study abroad or at least in private colleges? Are you suggesting that I would return to this job after public service? Ah! My guy, you amaze me.”
“But you have a responsible job at hand. I mean you are a professional in your field and I do not see why you shouldn’t return to your teaching job.”
“You cannot be serious. Come back to this thankless job? God forbid! It is not my portion and I reject it!”
“You are sounding religious there.”
“I am a child of God, mind you.”
“I cannot imagine an egghead like you wasting away in public office and not returning to the classroom”
“Old boy, I won’t be the same. I don’t mind being an ‘AGIP’, any government in power, like other eggheads have been.”
“Like who, if I may ask?”
“Don’t ask me. All I know is that I can also serve as a director today, minister tomorrow and a personal assistant the next day. I don’t care what the designation is, it’s the trappings of government that I care about.”
“That means you won’t mind being reduced from being a federal minister to being a local government councillor.”
“My friend, with government appointments, ‘image is nothing, the lucre is it’.”
“But we still need bright people like you to teach our children in schools.”
“Yes, I agree with you. But I don’t have to be that someone. Or have I not taught enough this past seven years? And what do I gain from it anyway; insults from students and their money-miss-road parents, some of who cannot even make one flawless sentence?”
“You seem to be unhappy with your job Doc?”
“That is why I will jump at any opportunity to take up public office.”
“If I may ask, what is really your attraction in public office?”
“I too want to be invited to come and chop.”
“But I thought you said earlier that you want to serve? You better watch it. Remember what usually happens to those who go to chop rather than go to work?”
“I didn’t particularly say that I want to chop. I will serve and then chop. Look, a prophet eats from the temple.”
“I can see you are already doing well as a potential public official, given the way you can easily change your response to a question.”
“If you can’t beat them join them my brother.”
“Oh, by the way, what will your wife be when you get into public office?”
“Look, e-ma try mi-o! What are you suggesting? She will continue to be my wife of course.”
“You mean she won’t set up one of those bogus pet projects to raise funds from the public and carry on as if she has a constitutional role?”
“And what would be wrong with that? She won’t be the first person to do that. Besides, there are associations these days for wives of public officials. Haven’t you heard of Committee of Wives of Lagos State Government Officials (COWLSGO) or whatever they call it? My wife can as well join any of such clubs in my state and be active”
“What do you mean by ‘active’?”
“She could attend parties and wear aso-ebi.”
“You are already beginning to think like a public official, right?”
“Well, to be a millionaire, think like one.”
“That was a Freudian slip wasn’t is?”
“What?”
“You just alluded to being a millionaire.”
“Do you have a problem with that?”
“You want to be a millionaire through the public office?”
“Silly you. Show me one public official who is not. Many of them were no better than I am now. Look at all those school dropouts who became local government public officials the other time. In just three years, many of them have permanently kissed goodbye to poverty.”
“Are you sure? I thought some of them were so broke soon after leaving office that they had to sell their personal cars.”
“Why not talk about the ones who invested their stolen funds wisely, building houses and establishing business centres and cyber cafes. My councillor even established a guesthouse and got three chieftaincy titles.”
“So how do you plan to invest your ill-gotten wealth when you get…”
“Point of correction, I will not have ill-gotten wealth.”
“No no no! That point is already settled. After all you will work and chop.”
“Look, you better mind how you talk to a future honourable. I might not forget this insult once I get into office. And I can be quite vindictive you know.”
“Like all of them are anyway. I know you are just joking.”
“Don’t count on it. Public office has a way of turning good people to something else. I might just ask one of my thugs or security aides to brush you.”
“So you even plan to go about with thugs?”
“Ah! You want my enemies to make mincemeat of me? And besides, I will have to give jobs to the boys.”
“What boys?”
“Grow up man. I mean the boys that will help me into public office. If I have to take office through an election, I need to compensate the boys who may have helped me on Election Day.”
“You mean those who would vote for you?”
“No, those who would vote on behalf of the registered voters for me.”
“I don’t seem to understand that.”
“You cannot, because you are not a politician or a potential one.”
“Can you just explain that?”
“I mean the boys who will help stuff the ballot boxes to my advantage.”
“Oh-oh! So you plan to do it like the rest of them eh?”
“How else can one get into office? When I get there I can always change things.”
“But you know you cannot build anything worthwhile upon a faulty foundation. That explains why our democracy has remained stunted for the past five years.”
“I will make a difference, with God on my side, I can do all things because greater is he that is in me than that…”
“Oh please stop that crab. Keep God out of it. You cannot plan to get into public office through crooked means and hope to claim God’s favour.”
“Look, I will be attending tarry nights, miracle nights and declare days of prayers in my office.”
“But God would rather you obeyed Him than offer sacrifices.”
“Eeeh! Enough of this. It’s time for my lecture. Let me hurry up. The class representative is supposed to bring me the returns from the student’s registration for my course. We will talk later.”
“Doc. Doc!”

First published in the NewAge newspaper in 2004